We’ve have millions of good times since the trailer in the mountains.

And any apologies related to money and your dad were none of your business- your dad overstepped boundaries by sharing that with you.

And regarding money in cards, we’ll need to talk about that one, because I have different memories. But I also recall helping to repay the Mountainview store when you took and spent money.

I was the adult, and I screwed up in lots of ways when you were growing up. I also said I wouldn’t be perfect, because I knew I had my own demons. I knew they would impact you and Forrest. And I’m overwhelmingly sorry how MUCH pain you have experienced.

I did the best I could with what I had, I had to beg and borrow ALONE for over 6 months in Tijeras with you both and without a job. Your dad left in May promised to go, empty and repair the house on Sexton so it could be sold and be back by the end of summer.

Instead he jacked off all summer – Randy and Dad BOTH offered to help and he refused. And then, by the end of summer had to get a job at a frat house to pay for weed.

While I’m back in tijeras doing as fucking good as I could. I’m genuinely sorry that your childhood was so painful and that I am the focus of your anger.

And if you want to know what ended up happening with the house on Sexton, you can ask me or your dad. But grandpa Knox saved his ass.

Just like he did when your dad was facing 15-30 Years in jail. And it feels like your dad has always wanted more from EVERYONE. Betty and Jamie gave him thousands throughout the years… and bought and fixed the house in Lupus for him.

Dad really respected and loved your opinion…. But I think he was so disappointed that you held such hard grudges. You and Forrest both do. We cried together – a lot- over missing you.

But I tried so hard to not utter anything negative about your dad.

Do you remember when we were living in Edgewood and you were bawling in my bed hiding under the comforter because you didn’t want to go to your dad’s?

I LEARNED from the mistakes I made when you were younger. I tried to not let my relationships with significant others impact you negatively.

Once Three was out, I tried so hard to do good by you. To give you a childhood with happy memories. I’m not sure why your focus is on the specific memory about Gordon and me. It makes me incredibly sad. There were so many good times- before and after. And as you get you older, you lose memories. It just happens. Please try to focus on the happy memories. I can send you the notes we used to write to one another at bed time.

When you were a teenager, I asked you, “am I the cool mom?” And you said, “No, you’re the fun mom”.

I can’t erase the bad shit. Trust you me, I wish I could, and I wish the bad shit would be the memories that didn’t last.

I’m grateful for my journals to help me reflect back.

Do you remember asking me to drive you to the bus stop at Camino Medio? Even when the weather was fine, and we would listen to music?
Would pictures of fun stuff help?

I can’t change the past, but if you tell me how I can be a positive impact on your future, I will give/do whatever I’m able.

Last thing unless I hear from you:

Regarding infidelity- I’m very sorry that you walked in on me with Gordon.

I was NOT the only one guilty of extramarital affairs. And in fact, it was your dad whose infidelity broke us in the end.

Infidelity is the cause of an unhappy relationship. So I filed for divorce.

I tried very hard to keep the reasons for the divorce out of conversation around you or with you, because I was trying to protect you. It was (and honestly still is) none of your business why we divorced and who he banged or I fucked. I tried to not bad mouth or bash your dad, because he was your dad and I wanted to support a kind catering relationship between the two of you.

Ooops, I goofed- one MORE last thing- I LOVE you. I wanted you before I even knew you. I have always and will always love you. More than words can say. And my heart aches every single day that I hurt you so badly and because I can’t undo whatever I broke between us.

I’m not the same person I was in the trailer. Or in Edgewood. Or even in the first apartment in Columbia.

No matter what/who changes, I will always love you